Begin: 2012

I’ve been thinking about what I want to write for the obligatory New Year’s Day post, when most people I know are making resolutions. I generally prefer to stick to a list of small, achievable goals, about which I am explicitly not permitted to beat myself up. If I do them, great, but there is no annual report where I write in percentages and feel crappy about what I didn’t do. I like “done” lists. I wasn’t wasting my time if I didn’t do everything on the “goals” list, because I was doing things, and here is what I did. It’s very gratifying. I like a little latitude for changes in plans. That used to drive my parents crazy about me. I need the structure of a plan, but the flexibility to alter the plan if I need to. I believe my father, particularly, wants to sit me down and discuss the actual definition of “plan,” but luckily for me, they love me and are comfortable with my adulthood.

This year, I am realizing now, I am off the grid. I’m done with school. I’m not changing jobs, or at least I don’t plan to, and I’ve been in my jobs for long enough that I don’t need to worry about them much. In spite of myriad challenges, our family is stable. I’m not gestating any new humans, and the last one has gotten good at sleeping at nights and eating people food. My husband and I are solid. My house is dreadful, but that’s not new.

…I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m one of those crazy people who likes school. I still miss coursework, even though I finished the last of it two years ago. Being out here without structure feels kind of nuts. But as I get older, I’m getting better at that. I’m still scared, but I think I’m learning to like it better. Maybe I can really do something now. I don’t know what. I don’t know how. I made a list of things I wanted to do this year, but they are all little things. Maybe this year is about moving forward with little things and having some Big Things meditation time to see where I’m going to go next. I think I’m going to try that.

For now, my friend who is pregnant with twins is going to have babies sometime in the next 24 days, and these BSJs aren’t going to knit themselves. That’s what I’ll do right now.